After she died, I carried her around with me in China for a year in a wooden box. I held on tight and didn't want to let her go. She sat on my Alter, and I prayed to her daily. I would speak to her when I was lonely and confused meditating on death and what that means. I was broken because finally my Mother and I reunited after 10 years, truly bonding with genuine love and presence. She saw me, for the first in my life- and then I had to say Goodbye.
Impermanence is a difficult practice.
I cared for her day after day while she was dying, brushing her hair, gazing into her eyes, reading the lines on her face, admiring her strong spirit. I listened attentively to her stories like never before, truly getting to know the woman who gave birth to me for the first time. I could never really face her until she was dying. Her illness forced me to get closer, to surrender to my karma and love her.
It was painful, but I fought like a warrior through my fear and chose to finish this story with forgiveness, and endless compassion for her.
This became my seamless Yoga Sadhana practice- loving her.
I moved to an Ashram in Rishikesh, India nestled on the River Banks of Mother Ganga. I would sit and listen to the constant flow of the current day and night. I would sit and pray crying feeling every inch of my life, revisiting story after story about how I got to where I am. I practiced yoga, moving those stories around in my body to become sensitive and aware of hidden messages that lived deep inside. I became so silent, that I could finally hear.
This is when the layers were lifted that protected my heart, and my soul became alive again.
I could feel my Mother there with me, I felt her warmth and love. I knew it was finally the right moment to scatter her ashes into the current, to free and purify her soul and my own.
It was time to let go.
I walked up and down the river banks that day for hours, looking for the perfect spot and time to say goodbye.
I resisted and shivered, but knew she was ready to go home, to unite with God.
I sat and cried while my tears became one with Mother Ganga.
I opened the box and slowly began to sprinkle her fairy dust into the sacred water and prayed.
My whole body vibrated, and I knew this was it- I was letting her go giving her something sacred and so dear to my heart- a bond and connection the three of us with share for lifetimes on the Holy Ganga.
My Mother now lives free from pain held in the sacred womb of Mother India, and I will return again and again revisiting them both knowing our souls belong to India forever united and embodied in Love.
This is our Karma.